Beware of the stories you’re telling about yourself

 

 

If we’re honest, we tend to get so caught up in the story that we rarely stop to ask ourselves one very important question. 

 

Whether the story we’re telling is helping or hurting us?!? Let alone those listening to it… 

 

So, this week, a quick reminder to PAUSE for a moment and NOTICE the story we’re telling about ourselves. 

 

Both to ourselves AND those around us. 

 

Perhaps, it’s a positive one. That we’re doing well, are happy and fulfilled. Enjoying life. 

 

More likely, it’s less so. That we’re not doing so well, are dysfunctional – or those around us are (!) – or in need of something we don’t have now and don’t think we ever will... The highly popular OMG, “poor me” or “victim” story. 

 

Whatever story we’re telling, remember that it’s ONLY true for as long as we continue: 

 

 

In other words, as long as we keep giving it ALL our focus and energy. Little wonder it can feel as if it’s inevitable. A self fulfilling prophecy. “I knew that would happen.” 

 

Have you ever wondered why this is? 

 

Well, as always, the answer is deceptively simple. 

 

As we’ve mentioned before, whatever we focus on starts to grow, taking up more and more of our time, attention and, just as important, energy. Easing out everything around it until that’s all we can see. It’s just how things are. Put another way, it becomes our latest pre occupation, although we’re not usually aware of it until some kind soul points it out to us... 

 

And, if you think this doesn’t apply to you, think again! We can guarantee you’ll have experienced it many times before, without ever realising it. Probably seen it as one of those strange life coincidences. 

 

Sometimes it’s something very small and simple, grabbing your focus and attention for a very short time. Say, dropping a cup on the floor first thing in the morning as you rush to get out of the door. 

 

You could tell the story of “That’s typical of me, why am I always so clumsy?” – and there are no prizes for guessing what that’s going to lead to for the rest of the day (!). The every popular “poor me” story. 

 

Alternatively, you could tell the story of “That’s unlike me. I hadn’t realised I was rushing.” Then take a deep breath while treating it as a reminder to slow down, that there’s no need to rush and everything is ok. The less popular – but much more helpful – gentle reminder that we’re making life harder for ourselves… 

 

More often, it’s a story we’ve believed and practised for a long time and, ironically, is often someone else’s story or opinion that we’ve adopted as our own, without every stopping to think whether it’s true for us. And, usually, it isn’t. 

 

Perhaps it’s an off the cuff remark that hit home for some reason, often as a child, or a less than positive comparison with someone else that started the ball rolling. That we’re stupid/ slow / fill in the blank. 

 

Or, as already mentioned, it’s another person’s belief, story or opinion we’re “inherited” from them and then treated as true.  

 

And we have a great example of this, courtesy of Elaine, and her long told story about her poor sense of direction. This was “inherited” from another family member, who’d better remain nameless (!) and was well known for his complete lack of sense of direction. However, looking at this more objectively, it was more to do with his lack of patience, refusal to ask for directions or turn round. Need we add this was well before sat nav although, ironically, this didn’t seem to make things any better… 

 

So, without digressing too far, it’s easy to see why his story – and the resulting stress it caused to those in the car with him (!) – easily built the belief that she also had no sense of direction. And, this was the story she told for many years. However, as soon as she started driving on her own without any issues, it quickly became clear this story wasn’t hers. That’s not to say it didn’t reappear when in the car with him (!). 

 

And, if you PAUSE for a moment and start to look at things more objectively, we’re sure you can come up with plenty of examples of you own… 

 

The good news is that, at any time, you can change your focus and story. Whether about what’s happening now this moment or on more of an ongoing basis. Start to tell a new story, one that better reflects who you are and how you’d like to live your life. 

 

True, it can seem rather a tall order at times, particularly during the inevitable lag between choosing a new story and it starting to gain a little traction and focus. 

 

However, once your focus and energy changes, it’s already on its way. It’s only the Little Monster in your Heads’ pre occupation with the past AND “Why isn’t it here yet?” that slows the whole process down. 

 

All you need to do is start to tell a slightly more positive story about yourself or whatever it is and that’s enough to get things turning your way. As soon as you do, small signs will start to appear that the tide is turning and things are beginning to move in your direction. You just need to stop and notice them. 

 

It’s then simply a case of “rinse and repeat.” After all, if it was all the attention and focus that got you to where you were in the first place, then it’s exactly the same process to get you somewhere different. 

 

The hardest thing – and it’s really not hard at all (!) – is to remember to keep doing it, rather than simply going back to the old story… Or, put another way, practise until it doesn’t feel like practise anymore. For a quick reminder why repetition is a master skill click here. 

 

So, really, “being-aware” rather than “beware” would be better words to use for the title of this week’s blog post… 

 

And, if you need an added impetus to take a look at the story you’re telling about yourself, here’s a great quotation which helped inspire this post: 

 

“You must never allow something that happened to you to become a morbidly treasured heirloom that you carry, show people, put back in its black velvet pouch and then tuck back into your jacket where you can keep it close to your heart.” 

 

Augusten Burroughs 

 

So, the question is, what story would you prefer to tell about yourself?!? Then, start telling it!!! 

 

As always, the choice is yours.